Today sucked. Yep. Sucked. After starting this post three different times and three different ways, this is the most accurate and honest depiction of the past 24-36 hours. Allow me to set the stage.
Trav and I made our way to the ER last night around 9:00. There was an extensive amount of blood in his stool. We were admitted and stayed the night at Memorial Hermann (@ 99 and I-10--come see us!). We saw three doctors by 7:30 this morning and learned that Trav would soon begin prep for a colonoscopy and endoscopy. For those of you privy to these two procedures, you know what a bitter experience bowel prep can be. The goal: to determine the source of bleeding in Trav's GI tract. The gastroenterologist who performed the procedures was the same one who performed them back in 2012 two days before we learned there was a large mass on Trav's liver. He didn't remember Travis (which chapped my hide because I remembered him. And his poor bedside manner. And his nonexistent sense of humor). He seemed intrigued with Trav's history, as most doctors are. He asked about the cause of Trav's liver cancer. He asked how long ago he was diagnosed.
The doctor asked if Trav was currently being treated, and the more questions he asked, the more answers I found. He couldn't explain anything about Trav's condition. I wasn't hanging on his every word as I once had been. This was someone who knew everything about the GI tract, but nothing about Travis. He didn't know that doctors argued whether to treat him because they believed he had 3-6 months to live. He didn't know that Travis had been turned down twice for fertility treatments, yet is a father of 18 month old (TODAY!) twins. He didn't know that Travis doesn't believe in false hope or luck or chance or any other such nonsense. After the procedure, this physician explained that there is bleeding in the small intestine and that Trav will need to be admitted to ICU. The doctor made sure he was donning his unapproachably cold veneer as he explained his findings. They performed a bleeding scan, and at 2:17 am, we are still awaiting a blood transfusion. In the morning Trav will swallow a PillCam, which is exactly what it sounds like. The purpose of this device is to travel through the small intestine to help doctor's locate and gather information regarding the source of Trav's bleeding. Trav hasn't had anything solid to eat since 2 am Thursday morning. He is tired and irritable and challenging the nurses on everything. He's arguing with staff. When asked to leave the ICU room, I argued with staff. We are tired, and we haven't seen our kids since Wednesday night.
While we waited hours for scans and rooms to be ready, I cracked. I made my way to the bathroom and lost it. There are not very many places or instances that are more humbling than hitting your knees in a post-op recovery bathroom. I realized that we had arrived at that place. We are once again at the Impossible Place, where doctor's don't have answers and treatment options are whittled down. Where the doubts and the "whys?" begin to peek their heads, and the number of pitiful looks increase.
While we cannot navigate the Impossible Place, this is where God's best handiwork can be found. The Impossible Place isn't made for us. It's made for Him. It's the place where we can't take the credit for the good in the outcome. It's the place where God gets His glory. So be it a miraculous healing, or the spurred curiosity of unbelievers, God is working something big. The impossible place will oftentimes suck and may make no sense to you, but work is being done. I don't know where you are today, but I do know that God is working all things for the good of those who love Him. Trav loves Him. I love Him. We cannot control or drive in our current impossible place. It only makes sense to relinquish control to the Great Physician who does far more than heal disease.
I am thankful for your prayers. Please continue to remember Travis, me, our kids, our parents, and the doctors in them. Thank you for being so good to us. Have we told you lately that we love you--Rod Stewart style? We do. So very much.
2 Timothy 1:7--"...for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."
Trav and I made our way to the ER last night around 9:00. There was an extensive amount of blood in his stool. We were admitted and stayed the night at Memorial Hermann (@ 99 and I-10--come see us!). We saw three doctors by 7:30 this morning and learned that Trav would soon begin prep for a colonoscopy and endoscopy. For those of you privy to these two procedures, you know what a bitter experience bowel prep can be. The goal: to determine the source of bleeding in Trav's GI tract. The gastroenterologist who performed the procedures was the same one who performed them back in 2012 two days before we learned there was a large mass on Trav's liver. He didn't remember Travis (which chapped my hide because I remembered him. And his poor bedside manner. And his nonexistent sense of humor). He seemed intrigued with Trav's history, as most doctors are. He asked about the cause of Trav's liver cancer. He asked how long ago he was diagnosed.
The doctor asked if Trav was currently being treated, and the more questions he asked, the more answers I found. He couldn't explain anything about Trav's condition. I wasn't hanging on his every word as I once had been. This was someone who knew everything about the GI tract, but nothing about Travis. He didn't know that doctors argued whether to treat him because they believed he had 3-6 months to live. He didn't know that Travis had been turned down twice for fertility treatments, yet is a father of 18 month old (TODAY!) twins. He didn't know that Travis doesn't believe in false hope or luck or chance or any other such nonsense. After the procedure, this physician explained that there is bleeding in the small intestine and that Trav will need to be admitted to ICU. The doctor made sure he was donning his unapproachably cold veneer as he explained his findings. They performed a bleeding scan, and at 2:17 am, we are still awaiting a blood transfusion. In the morning Trav will swallow a PillCam, which is exactly what it sounds like. The purpose of this device is to travel through the small intestine to help doctor's locate and gather information regarding the source of Trav's bleeding. Trav hasn't had anything solid to eat since 2 am Thursday morning. He is tired and irritable and challenging the nurses on everything. He's arguing with staff. When asked to leave the ICU room, I argued with staff. We are tired, and we haven't seen our kids since Wednesday night.
While we waited hours for scans and rooms to be ready, I cracked. I made my way to the bathroom and lost it. There are not very many places or instances that are more humbling than hitting your knees in a post-op recovery bathroom. I realized that we had arrived at that place. We are once again at the Impossible Place, where doctor's don't have answers and treatment options are whittled down. Where the doubts and the "whys?" begin to peek their heads, and the number of pitiful looks increase.
While we cannot navigate the Impossible Place, this is where God's best handiwork can be found. The Impossible Place isn't made for us. It's made for Him. It's the place where we can't take the credit for the good in the outcome. It's the place where God gets His glory. So be it a miraculous healing, or the spurred curiosity of unbelievers, God is working something big. The impossible place will oftentimes suck and may make no sense to you, but work is being done. I don't know where you are today, but I do know that God is working all things for the good of those who love Him. Trav loves Him. I love Him. We cannot control or drive in our current impossible place. It only makes sense to relinquish control to the Great Physician who does far more than heal disease.
I am thankful for your prayers. Please continue to remember Travis, me, our kids, our parents, and the doctors in them. Thank you for being so good to us. Have we told you lately that we love you--Rod Stewart style? We do. So very much.
2 Timothy 1:7--"...for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."
RSS Feed
