Today we walked up to the pavilion at the cemetery.  We were one of the last to arrive.  You’ll learn that this is no surprise.  We parked a ways off.  Thurgood, you wore a grey sweater and jeans.  Tallulah, we had a fashion faux pas ahead of time, and you wore a red tunic and black leggings.  It was another cloudless day.  Just like the day before at Daddy’s funeral and the day Daddy went home to be with Jesus.   The ground was muddy.  We walked over to the plot, and they placed Daddy’s pine box in a cement vault.  The vault was lifted and placed in the ground.  I cried.  So hard.  Michael played “Damn, It Feels Good to Be a Gangster” as they lowered Daddy’s casket into the ground.  You are not allowed to listen to that song until I am no longer paying your bills.  I asked to throw the first mound of dirt on top of the vault.  It pissed me off that it made this low, hollow thud.  The backhoe meticulously filled in the grave and packed in the dirt.  When the driver stepped off the backhoe, I went to shake his hand and thank him for being so careful.  He took the easel flowers (sprays) and covered Daddy’s grave.  When all the sprays had been laid, Thurgood, you found a single yellow rose lying on the ground a few yards away.  You picked it up, grabbed my hand, and walked over to Daddy’s grave.  You gently placed it atop the other flowers and arrangements.  It was one of the most beautiful memories I have.   After graveside, you two were ready for naps.   Lolo and Poppy and Uncle Jordan took you back home.  I went to have lunch with RiRi, G-Paw, and Daddy’s aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I sat at the table felling like an empty shell.  I wanted to be near Nanny.  She was the only one around who knew what this felt like.  I felt badly for having nothing to say and for not smiling more.  When I made it back home, I laid down in the blue room.  After a while I fell asleep.  When I woke up, hours had passed and I felt the same.   All I could think was, “There’s no way in Hell I can live like this.”  Your daddy commissioned many of our family and friends with specific tasks and responsibilities regarding us.  One was that they make sure I allow myself time in the dark hole, but not cut out a niche and live in it.  That Daddy was so smart!  I spent the rest of the evening reclaiming the house from the two of you.  With all that has been going on these past weeks, we were in survival mode.  That meant free reign for the both of you.  We worked on being sweet to each other, saying "thank you," and laughing loudly.  I decided that, although I will never be the same, I want you to know the Mommy that Daddy fell in love with.  Some days I may not be that Mommy, but I hope that most days I am.  I love you, my sweet binkleboxes.  I’ll tell you the story of those later. 

Mommy

 Babies,

At 11:22 today, your daddy took one last breath and went home to be with Jesus.  Before he left, he wanted you to know that he cannot wait to see us again.  He will be praising God and working diligently to prepare a place for us when we join him.  I wish I could’ve seen his face lit in God’s perfect glory when he took his first step into his presence.  I’m excited that he will get to see ours when we enter his gates. 

The last time you saw him was last night on your way to bed.  He wasn’t able to talk to you, but when I placed you on the bed Thurgood, you climbed over the comforter to him, and placed your head on his chest.  This will forever be etched into my memory.  Lulah Bear, you immediately crawled under the comforter and nestled up to Daddy.  This was where you always wanted to be.  The pain in my chest from knowing that you will have no memory of him is unbearable at some moments.  I want you to know how wonderful he was.  How badly he wanted to teach you everything you need to know for this life and the next.  How much he loved Mommy and you both.  How much I love him and how much you love him. 

Lulah, my heart broke all over again as we were sitting with Lolo and Poppy in the blue room and you began to chant, “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!”  I didn’t know what to say.  My lip began to quiver until Lolo began to ask you which one was Daddy while showing you a picture.  The last night Daddy could talk, he told you he loved you and you told him you loved him, too!  While these are just words to an almost-two-year old, they meant the world to him and it melted my heart to hear them. 

Thurgood, these past two weeks have been so hard for you, Bubbie.  You are overwhelmed by the influx of crowds and everyone wanting to play with you.  You are at your calmest when you make your way into our room and step on Daddy’s step stool to climb atop our bed. 

This life is but a blink sweet babies.  I hope I tell Daddy’s story well.  I think those around us and those who knew him will agree that your Daddy was the best.  God used him to change lives.  I cannot wait to see the plan that God has for you both.  I love you more than I can possibly say.  That love grew exponentially today as my daily Daddy love will be added to your allotment.  I’m so sorry babies that you did not get ask him your questions and talk to him face to face about real and not-so-real things.  I hope I do a good job at filling his shoes.  I miss him so much already.  I’m glad he let me have you.  I’m glad He let us have you.  I love you.  So much.  I’ll love you so much more tomorrow. 

Mommy